Hope is Eternal

Detention 4

true.

I felt stupid. I felt like everything I was saying was stupid. I didn't know if I was ever going to make it at all. If I was developmentally delayed as a child...wouldn't that mean that I was going to be a failure as an adult?

I didn't know. All I knew was that it was kept inside my mind...trapped by depression.

Love

Detention 3

...for her. All I knew was that I did it to survive. But there was also something else.

I hated myself. And I knew why. Growing up I had a Developmental Delay. It was mild and I grew out of it. However, the shame of growing up with such a condition filled me with hate.

All my life people were calling me different because of that. It was a slap in the face that reminded me that I truly was different.

I tried to escape it my whole life. But it never seemed to work out very well. I would always be reminded of it...every single day.

Everything else would be a blur except what I was thinking of. If anyone was talking I would be zoned out. I didn't want to listen to what people had to say.

All I could hear in my head was "you're different."...

I didn't like being different; I wanted to be just like everybody else. I felt like that was never going to come

Hope

Detention2

...for it one way or another.

I still felt like I had self-hate within me. The only positive was I was starting to show my anger and stand up for myself. I liked that about myself...but I was still battling self-hate.

Hate was a dreadful word and it was starting to eat me from the inside and out. I knew it was only a matter of time until it drove me towards suicide. I didn't want to die. But I knew that hate talked you into doing a lot of bad things to yourself.

This was something I was going to be battling for a large portion of my life. If I didn't deal with it now, I was never going to be free.

I wanted to be happy about myself, proud of myself. I wanted to look in the mirror and see my face without feeling hate inside of my soul. I wanted...to see myself as a good person.

I walked through life, not really enjoying it... Amara asked me why I cut myself. I didn't really have an answer...

Faith

Detention1

Telling my parents I had detention wasn't the easiest thing I had ever done. And it wasn't the smartest thing either.

I got a lot of "why did you do it?" and "we're disappointed in you!". All of that though...wasn't the worst of it all. I was grounded and only Amara could come see me.

It was hard on me but I knew that I had made my choice...beating up someone was not the right thing to do. I knew it and was going to have to pay

wasn't surprised. I knew that once I was going through the reasons why I was cutting, that anger would be more likely to show.

Anger was what I was holding in, and it was causing me to cut. I knew now why I did all of that... And I wanted to stop...forever.

***

"What do you mean you got a detention?" Amara asked in shock.

I nodded my head. "Yeah, I pushed a girl against the wall," I casually explained.

Amara's eyes widened in shock. "What????"

"Yeah," I continued to explain. "I got detention too."

The problem was, I didn't care. I didn't care that I had assaulted her. She was being mean to me; why did I have to feel guilt?

The principal gave me a stern look. "I am going to have to give you detention."

My eyes opened in annoyance. I wasn't worried about detention. Part of me was happy that I had finally pushed back against that girl.

No one had cared for the fact that I was being teased for a long time now. No one had tried to help me. I felt like I was an idiot. No one really cared about me or what I faced. I never got any sympathy.

This detention was unfair but at the same time I knew I could face it... No one was going to bother me again. I was going to make sure of it.

If someone hurt me again...

I guess I went too far. I just couldn't take it anymore. Being teased was something I couldn't handle. I knew it was the reason I cut and I wanted to stop very fast.

I thought I was doing the right thing by fighting back. But I wasn't, all I was doing was making things worse for myself.

I was led to the principal's office. I knew I was going to be talked to for doing that to that girl. I wasn't afraid; I knew I deserved it! I just wish things were easier for me.

I was just sick of the abuse and wanted to be free. But the way I chose to get away from it all....wasn't very bright....

"Camilla," the older male principal began slowly. "What have you done?"

"I was just trying to defend myself."

"No, you assaulted a girl..." he explained.

I knew I assaulted her.